Gone

And just like that, he's gone. Jake passed away early in the morning on Mother's Day. I saw him 11 hours earlier, after he came home from the hospital. I didn't think he had much more time, but I thought maybe a week. Not 11 hours. It was so gracious of his wife to let people in the house all that day to say their goodbyes. The next day, their house was open to anyone, as well. There was a big box that we could decorate with scrapbook materials such as stickers, note cards, markers, etc. Since Jake was to be cremated, there was no need for a fancy casket. This was a lovely way for people to make a small representation of their love.

The hardest part, but what also turned out to be somewhat profound for me, was that Jake's body was still in the house. I guess in the old days (maybe certain cultures still do this?) a wake was always held, where family and friends held watch over the deceased's body until burial. That tradition is still carried on as a viewing, most often held at the funeral home (Catholics often do this in conjunction with a Rosary). A wake is as best as I can describe this. It was kind of amazing. I always thought that I would be uncomfortable with my loved one's dead body in my/our house, and while it was a little uncomfortable (due to the lack of exposure to doing this?) at first, it was also a meaningful way to say goodbye--to add finality to the situation. Especially because there is not yet a service planned. Jake's wife said maybe in a month, maybe three months.

While time stops for Jake's wife, at least temporarily, it goes on for me and that's okay. Since he was not in my life in person every day (though certainly in my thoughts), I suspect this is a stage of unacceptance, in a way. Because, like any death of someone close to me (while I have been to 5 funerals in the last 3 years, only my grandma was especially close to me), Jake's death just doesn't make sense. It's not right that he's no longer here.

My Mother's Day started with notification (at 6 am) that Jake had passed. We then met my husband's parents and his sister and her family for breakfast on the other side of the mountain at a cafe for breakfast. Next, we attempted to hike on the peak of the mountain, but it was terribly windy and blustery cold. We hiked a half mile to the Old Rock House and back. Despite the weather, it was a needed respite to be out of the city and in nature, especially on that particular day. I was saddened by the immense number of dead pines on the mountain. This drought is devastating our environment. After our hike, we drove to Jake's house and spent a couple of hours with his family and friends. Next, we went home and I made dinner for my parents, who came over around 6 pm. I make a fabulous red chile-encrusted pork loin roast that is to die for. I made it with roasted potatoes and wilted spinach and arugula. I also bought a chantilly cake from Whole Foods that was supreme.

Later that evening, as we were getting ready for bed, I told my husband thanks for the nice day. He thought I was crazy and said no, it was a terrible day. I disagree, for myself anyway. It wasn't an easy day and certainly it might seem odd to say it was nice when I visited my dead friend and his grieving family. But, it was what I needed, sad and heartbroken as I am.

To end as Jake ended his posts where he documented his journey with cancer, here are my thoughts. Spend time with those who love you. Reach out to friends in need. As I grow older, every day I learn a little more about what being a true friend is. I reached out to Jake beyond my "normal" friend level and I don't regret any of it. I wish I could have done more.

--LG